Every so often I'll be browsing Netflix with my wife and kid and happen across a movie I was fond of in my childhood. I always get excited and want to share the joy of the film my son and see what his reaction to it is, AKA, will this kid have some taste or am I raising a classless slob who wouldn't know a good movie if it slapped him in the face.
For the most part, he loves a lot of the same movies I did growing up, and when I watch the movies I'm usually stunned with how oblivious I was to how awful or brilliant they truly were (never in between), but also how incredibly twisted as well.
For example, All Dogs Go To Heaven is a scary movie for kids to watch and deals with a lot of adult themes, something that I only really picked up on when I began seeing clips of it now that I'm a responsible grown-up who pays rent and doesn't race shopping carts through the supermarket...most of the time.
So when Twitter user Hannah Priest started a thread about a deranged holiday movie that manages to hide how deranged it is to viewers, I was interested. Especially because it was a household favorite of my family's: The Santa Clause, starring Tim Allen.
You may say to yourself, "No way, this movie is fun for all ages! It's a holiday classic! It's got a great message!"
Well, that all may or may not be true, but it doesn't change the fact that The Santa Clause is absolutely bonkers...in an evil way. Check out Priest's reasoning here in this epic twitter thread.
Here's a little festive question for you... what is the most stone-cold brutal, horrific Christmas film ever made?— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
People gave their best guesses, but they were ultimately wrong.
To recap, when Santa falls off his roof, Scott Calvin puts on his suit & instantly becomes the new Santa. It's all fun & frolics, and the elves explain that this is the Santa 'clause'.— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
None of the elves at the North Pole mourn the dead Santa. Bernard just refers to him as 'the other Santa' and shrugs it off. They just cold-heartedly accept that roof-Santa is gone, and now they work with Scott.— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
In SCI, Judy says she's spent the last 1200 years perfecting her cocoa recipe. But she's no where to be seen in SCII. She's just casually replaced with another cocoa-maker & never mentioned again.— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
It turns out that not just the first film, but the entire series is really, really messed up.
But this is far from the worst bit. Trust me, I've got so much more.— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
Curtis specifically says that he has been working with Santas for 900 years, and that this clause hasn't come to his attention before.— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
It gets worse.
When roof-Santa dies, it's a matter of hours before Scott gets to the North Pole to take over. But there is no sign of recently-bereaved Mrs Claus. What happened to her??— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
60 Santas over the history of Christmas means that the average life expectancy for a Santa is just over 33 years. Some of them will have lived at the North Pole for much longer.— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
So where are the babies? Where are the wives? There are potentially 60 women unaccounted for in this film series, and the elves never ever mention them.— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
The horrible truth is finally revealed.
That's right, the North Pole may be full of a bunch of baby-eating cannibals.
The elves are clearly baking women (& possibly children) in their oven, then using the bodies to make ceremonial cocoa, which they then feed to future Santas.— Hannah Priest (@shewolfmanc) December 21, 2017
Well boiling people down and drinking them is still cannibalism, just of the drinking variety. You don't need to chew human flesh to be labeled a cannibal, OK??
Well, I'm convinced. Are you??