We all know marriage isn't easy. It's a give and take, sacrifices and compromises, blah blah blah. We can wax on poetically about how profound a union between two people who are committed to loving each other until the day they die, but, like everything, tediousness sinks in. The mundane sinks in. The shallowest of shallow feelings always do us in and the little things that our significant other does on a daily basis really, really get to us.
These tweets encapsulate all of that.
Gotta be fair.
It's about making each other better, unless that involved sugar cravings.
In case you're wondering what marriage is like, my husband and I just fought over the fact that he wouldn't tell me where he hid the candy I asked him to hide from me.— Lindsey Silver (@EvenTheDogsABoy) February 23, 2018
Fine, stay there.
Sometimes the conversations are riveting.
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 4, 2016
HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting.
Pretty much everything is annoying.
*watching husband sleep*— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
Me: "I can't live like this."
Remember not to take each other for granted.
[leaving for work]— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 18, 2017
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*
I thought this was just me!
I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.— mindi77💜🦋✌🏼 (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017
Well, do we?!
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017
Ovens can be confusing.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
wife: What temperature?
wife: That's the clock
No need to live like monks, right?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget— Michael | Black Lives Matter (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
It's those little wins.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
Night out? Nah.
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
This is the true endless battle of the modern marriage.
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
Separate blankets help...
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
Every. Single. Time.
[Me, on my deathbed]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
You'll never win.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
Come on, we all know better.
*walking into store*— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 17, 2017
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
You just know when you've found the one.
The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 24, 2017
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
How'd she know?!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) August 2, 2017
[text from wife at home]
"Pick that up."
I just think it's funny how...
Only marriage can turn a missing spatula into an act of war.— Jersey (@better_off_dad2) October 15, 2017
I love them but they can't be trusted!
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they'll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we're sleeping in shifts from now on— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) October 28, 2017
Me: I'm gonna take a shower.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 23, 2017
Husband, raising eyebrows suggestively: Need any help?
Me: Yeah, keep the kids busy.
I'm never more nervous than when I insist we're out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 27, 2017
Yay! I'm so happy you're home...
My husband surprised me by taking today off. Now I have to pretend like I do dishes and laundry and shit while he's working. My Friday is ruined.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) November 17, 2017
Seriously, don't complain about that.
My wife combined so many coupons the grocery store actually paid her.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 1, 2017
She's been talking about it for 20 minutes.
This is her Super Bowl.
You can never admit to it.
Dear Abby,— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) October 5, 2017
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Pretend you didn't hear her dude.
"You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee," I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
Technically she's right.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.— Stacey (@skittle624) November 2, 2017
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 16, 2017
wife: ok [hugs me]
It's too late.
I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 21, 2017
You said you wanted to share fries!
Husband: *choking on a curly fry*— Not Sara (@smithsara79) June 5, 2017
Me: *starts panicking* Oh god, oh my GOD! Did you seriously take my last curly fry?!
Audibly sigh when you hit pause, even if it is a risky move.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) June 1, 2017
You got her doing it now!
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 2, 2017
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.
You're not wrong.
Me: the book is so much better— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 17, 2017
Wife [pauses Shrek 3]: can you stop interrupting every 2 minutes
Dead man walking.
[Husband 911]— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
Watching out the window for husband to get home with my wine & this is the adult version of waiting for the ice cream truck— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 10, 2017
Oh, it is.
Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017
Please show some sympathy.
wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Fair is fair.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 28, 2017
It's constructive criticism!
Husband: you walk really loud.— wendy (@_wendyb07) June 29, 2017
Anyway, marriage is fun.
Well, she does.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
The secret's out.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
This is mahogany we're talking about.
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
Can't help that you have good choice in creams.
Wife: How many times have I told you NOT to use my face moisturizer as body lotion?— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 19, 2017
Me: *skin absolutely glowing* is this a trick question?
Marriage is bliss, that is if you learn to love the little things by poking fun of your squabbles on social media.