25 funny tweets for anyone who is quarantining while married

Quarantining is a challenge for everyone, but there is a particularly interesting dynamic for married couples. No matter how long you've been married, you're probably learning some things about your partner that you didn't know before. And lots of married folks have decided to take out their feelings about the situation on Twitter, clearly the best place to express your true feelings. 

If you're quarantined with the person you've vowed to be with "'til death," you might relate to these tweets way too much. 

When it's your wife you went out to get the groceries, you do have to let her back in the house afterwards. Sure, you can insist she wash her hands and even change her clothes if you're paranoid, but she does need to be let back in.  

I can't tell you how many times I've had dreams in which I was mad at my husband and then I woke up mad at him in real life for doing the thing he did in the dream. So I get this. 

Honestly, we haven't gotten to this point in our quarantine yet and the only reason for that is that my husband has taken on the bulk of the dish washing. He's so good about doing it! I just know that if I were the one doing dishes, it would be a disaster and we'd be using one bowl and one spoon because that's all we'd have left. 

Ah, yes, a classic game. I have to say, though, that quarantine is not the time to start nitpicking about your partner's habits out loud. Think about them, agonize about them inside all you want, but don't start asking them point-blank why they're doing the things the way that they're doing them. It will not end well. 

Hi! Hello! This is me. I just recently celebrated six months of being married. We've spent about a fifth of our marriage quarantined together. But we did go into marriage already giving each other reports about our poops, so nothing much has changed. If anything, the boundaries have just disappeared altogether. 

Raise your hand if you have ever dealt with this. I definitely have. Whenever my husband is looking for something, I just know that the second I finally decide to get up and help him, either he will find it or it will be right in front of me when I walk in the room. Either way, the object will only be found after I stand up.

We call them his talons because they get so long and sharp. I don't understand how men let their toenails get so long. It was always a problem, but now that we're in quarantine and barely wearing shoes, it's worse than ever.

I don't know what it is about quarantine, but I have fallen asleep during more movies than ever during this period. I don't know if it's that the plots of all movies feel so insignificant compared to the stress of simply being alive or... Actually, I'm pretty sure that's it.

Being married and caring for and homeschooling kids during the pandemic is a triple whammy. It doesn't help when your husband tries to sabotage you at every step of the way. 

I love this for her. Look, some people react to stress differently. Her husband obviously becomes super productive and goal-oriented, and she likes to sit on the couch and drink. I'm definitely more her speed.

The boredom is real, people. And this is almost verbatim what we say when the other one looks at their phone. We go with, "Whatcha doin'?" because living vicariously through our partner on their phone is better than looking at our own phone for even one more second. It's different enough from our own experience that it's exciting.

Husbands love to say, "I empty the dishwasher all the time!" when they've done it once. "I'm always mowing the lawn!" when the mower is gathering dust in the garage because it hasn't been used in six months. Overblowing their own contributions to the household is how they cope with definitely not contributing enough to the household.

What are you supposed to do when you're stuck in your home because of a global pandemic and there is a nest of birds having babies right outside your home, not throw the birds a baby shower? Come on. This is Quarantine 101, folks.

This is the best way to exercise. Burpees take on a whole new meaning when you try to do them drunk. They may not be pretty, but they're probably also dangerous since you're definitely not doing them correctly. 

Sometimes it's easier to give the bad news via text from another room. Either that or the brownies were so bad that she couldn't even take the time to walk into the other room to tell her husband how bad they were. 

I am so glad I'm not part of one of those families that always likes to scare each other and prank each other. I would not be able to handle quarantine if I was. This is a nightmare for me.

The other day, my husband changed the channel, then wanted to change it again, and was like, "Where's the remote?" He had literally changed the channel not five minutes before. It took me a long time to convince him that it was definitely near him and that I did not have it.  

Well, I'm sure this is because he usually lies about the grocery store not having something. Usually, he just doesn't look hard enough. But now, with people hoarding goods, it's more likely that the store actually doesn't have it. So congrats, I guess. 

Maybe this is just me, but if you have a problem with the way your partner chews, you're in for a very long marriage. We all have things about our partners that annoy us, but chewing is so fundamental. If their chewing bothers you so much, how did you even get past that first dinner date?

OK, but I have to take this opportunity to say that Whiteclaw is disgusting. Hard seltzer is hard to perfect, and sorry, but Whiteclaw ain't it. It has that weird sour, malty taste that cannot by masked by grapefruit essence. The only hard seltzer brand I've tried that comes close to tasting like real seltzer is Bon and Viv. It's the best, by far.

I love this idea. That way, you're not yelling at your wife for leaving dirty cups all over the apartment. It's Cheryl's fault! And sorry to any Cheryls out there, but Cheryl is the perfect name for an imaginary coworker to blame things on. 

Kids are brutal and ruthless and unfiltered. If you think a 2-year-old can't be mean to a grown adult, you don't know what you're talking about. Kids are mean. I'm glad this dad finally understands what his wife has been through.

This is so true. I don't know what it is. Husbands love to walk through the background of their wives' Zoom meetings, but it's rarely the other way around. Wives go to great lengths not to appear in their husbands' meetings. I think it's because women usually try to put themselves together a little bit before they appear on screen whereas men literally don't care.

How... Why... He could not have truly thought this was a good idea? What did he think was going to happen? Has he never made a toasted PB&J before? You toast the bread first, dude! I swear, sometimes I don't understand how men survive. This guy probably has a job and bills to pay, yet he does stuff like this. Amazing.

This is a really good litmus test. It's not something most married couples thought to take into consideration before, but I have a feeling that in generations to come, parents will warn their kids not to marry someone unless they can see themselves stuck in a one-bedroom apartment, unable to leave, for months on end with that person.