Dad criticizes neighbors who hand out 'cheap candy' on Halloween and gets called out by the internet

Halloween is fast approaching, and while dressing up may be fun for some, many of us are just looking for an excuse to stuff our faces with candy. Anyone who went trick or treating as a kid will know that there are the good houses, that hand out full-size candy bars, and the bad houses, that hand out fruit. 

Now as a kid, we'd avoid the bad houses like the plague. As an adult, you quickly begin to realize that there are a number of reasons one house might hand out better candy than others. The fact that they're even taking part, which they're under no obligation to do, is more than enough. 

But one dad doesn't seem to have realized that. A Reddit user recently took to the platform to share screenshots of a Facebook post by a dad complaining that his son's haul had been "diluted with cheap candy."

The post reads: 

"Halloween is officially 6 weeks away, and I was hoping to catch you all before you make your candy selections. Over the last three Halloweens, I've noticed my son's candy stock has become more and more diluted with cheap candy. I don't know if this trend is the result of the referendum high water bills, or even the construction, but cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community for Halloween and it has to stop." 

The dad goes on to explain that while "Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers" may be acceptable for some neighborhoods, they're not acceptable for his. What did Smarties ever do to you? 

"Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers may be suitable Northlake, Villa Park, and Addison, but not here in Elmhurst. We are an affluent neighborhood and this status should be reflected in our candy provisions for Halloween. Standard size candy is the bar (pun intended) we set for our community on Halloween. If you purchased the fun size, you don't need to return them. Just keep in mind that 3-4 of those fun-size bars equate to a standard size bar when you doll out that candy to trick or treaters." 

The father then goes on to berate elderly neighbors who hand out cash. 

"For the elderly who hand out coins, unless you plan on throwing some quarters into the mix, stop peddling your pennies and step up your game this Halloween. It's a calculated loss to the trick or treaters after you adjust for inflation and the opportunity cost of what they could have received elsewhere if they had just skipped your house." 

Dark chocolate isn't acceptable either, for those wondering. 

"And while we're setting the guidelines for acceptable candy this season, let's also keep dark chocolate out of circulation. These might make a great cheat treat for when certain individuals have their mensies but no child enjoys dark chocolate, so stop slinging it." 

The father goes on to say that he plans to map out bad houses, so parents and children can avoid them. Mark me down, please. 

"For those who do not want to take my advice, let it be known that this year, there are several of us parents patrolling and monitoring the candy distribution of houses in our neighborhood. We will be carrying around small cans of spray paint and marking the sidewalks in front of your house with a red dot in hopes of preventing others from experiencing the same ill fate and time wasted."

"We will also be noting your address and creating/selling a color-coded map for the 2020 Halloween season (app projected to launch for the 2021 season). Once you're marked and listed on the map, you might as well turn off the lights and stop celebrating Halloween!"  

Unsurprisingly, people weren't very happy about the whole thing. One person joked: "I'd be heading to the dollar store to stock up on the cheapest peppermint I could get. One piece per person."

While another added: "Not gonna lie, but I bet the entire neighborhood is either not gonna give his kid any, or just give the really cheap stuff to spite him even more."

Another added: "Last year my girlfriend and I bought candy not a single person came to our door."

Editor's Note: This article was originally published on September 2019.